Cave Johnson Quotes

If life gives you lemons don’t make lemonade, make life take the lemons back. Get mad, I don’t want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give you lemons.

Just a heads up, we're gonna have a super conductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the walls here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do.

All these science spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test - that's asbestos.

The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like projection.

Alright this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of advice: if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time - entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favor and let that handsome devil go about his business.

Beancounter said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair - did it anyway, ramps are expensive.

I'm Cave Johnson, I own the place. That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured she has transfered your honorarium to the charitable organisation of your choice. Isn't that right Caroline? She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard too. Sorry fellas, she's married - to science!

This first test involves something the lab-boys call repulsion gel. You're not part of the control group by the way - you get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint, ha ha ha! All joking aside, that did happen. Broke every bone in his body - tragic. But informative! Or so I'm told.

Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab-boys gave me: [paper rustling] do not get covered in the repulsion gel. We haven't quite worked out what element it is yet, but it's a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton.

The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages - that gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day!

For this next test we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumours. Now maybe you don't have any tumours. Well don't worry, if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants we took care of that too.

If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you may have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline - that's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible beam that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is it's working.

If you need to go the bathroom in this next series of tests, please let test associates know, because in all likelihood whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.

If you're allergic to peanuts, you may want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen they're going to have to invent a new kind of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.

Alright, we're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.

If you're interested in an additional $60, flag down a test associate and let them know. You could walk out of here with $120 weighing down your bindle, if you'll let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, and put you back together. Good as new.

In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again, all you've got to do is let us disassemble you; we're not banging rocks together here, we know how to put a man back together. So, that's a complete reassembly, new vitals, spit-shine on the old ones, plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you ought to be paying us.

Now, the beancounters told me we literally could not afford to buy $7 worth of moon rocks, much less 70 million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground them up, mixed them into a gel, and guess what: ground-up moon rocks are pure poison.

I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Science isn't about why, it's about why not. You ask: why is so much of our science dangerous? I say: why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired.