Funny Quotes

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: "I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green." Woah, hold on now! Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

Sticking feathers up your butt doesnt make you a chicken

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on", yellow means "go ahead", and red means "where the f*ck did you get that banana at?"

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck’s really goin' on down there? Who is the real hero?

Never let your schooling interfere with your education.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Three little sentences will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss. Number three: It was like that when I got here.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Remember, always be yourself... unless you suck.

Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.